NEWS ALERT!
NEWS ALERT!
Good grief, folks, the Muslims have been right all this time after all! THE KORAN IS THE SOURCE OF ALL KNOWLEDGE WORTH KNOWING! And since the Koran is eternal, that encompasses all knowledge!
How do I know this, you ask? Well, embedded within the Holy Scripture of Islam, the Koran, is an encryption of all this revealed knowledge that we never even suspected existed! I know about it because earlier this year, I cracked the code! I've been working like a dog (oops!) er, monkey (oops!) er, ape (oops!) er, pig (oops!)--oh well, I've been working REAL HARD on breaking the code!
I've only scratched the surface, of course, but I am now about to share with you just a few examples of this amazing Islamic knowledge! I just know that it's going to make our mean, nasty, reason-using Westerners jealous! I know it will make your reason-infested Western minds very uncomfortable, but I have worked SO hard on breaking the encryption that I feel I MUST let you in on all the Glorious Knowledge of Allah as revealed to the Perfect Man!
Here we go:
1) Allah revealed measurements of the supermassive black hole lying at our galaxy's center.
2) Allah revealed that the sugar "trehalose" stops Huntington's disease.
3) Allah revealed that cord blood harvested at birth boosts survival when injected into people with Hurler's syndrome, and in leukemia patients who don't have matching bone marrow donors.
4) Allah revealed that destroying healthy skin cells spurs the immune system to kill neighboring melanoma cells.
5) Allah revealed that nicotine halts the progression of severe sepsis, and that this is a way to help treat this lethal blood infection.
6) Allah revealed that longer telomeres on the tips of chromosomes mean longer life.
7) Allah revealed that miniature computers can be made of DNA, and that they are so small that trillions of them can fit into a drop of water. They can detect specific cancer genes and release a drug to block the genes' actions.
8) Allah revealed a solar cell that utilizes photosynthetic-protein complexes converts sunlight into electricity. (This encryption was particularly difficult to break; Allah made it difficult because it could conceivably bring substantial harm to the Fidels by allowing the Infidels to do an end-run around the Muslim-controlled oil fields.)
9) Allah revealed that by using a printing technique that emulates the way spiders spin silk, complex polymer microstructures with features small enough to be part of photonic crystals or scaffolds can be used for tissue engineering.
10) Allah revealed that paddle-shaped rotors made from individual molecules mounted on a gold surface in an electric field can form the basis of sensors or laser-protection coatings on soldiers' goggles (this one was also difficult, for fear that it would be used against the Fidels).
11) Allah revealed that there is a whole host of materials that use solar energy to split water and make clean-burning hydrogen fuel (this one was also difficult, for the reasons mentioned in 8) above).
12) Allah revealed that a cylinder made of densely packed carbon nanotubes functions as a filtering membrane that can be used to process crude oil and decontaminate drinking water (inasmuch as this was one of the techniques intended for use by the Fidels to harm the Infidels, this revelation was one of the most difficult of all to bring to light).
13) Allah revealed a means by which a tsunami's interaction with winds can explain certain observations associated with the big waves, and can thus enable them to be spotted long before they hit shore. (Allah made a provision that this means of detecting tsunamis should remain secret until the entire planet was converted to Islam; as a reward for the Fidels who would die due to tsunamis, he would make martyrs of them, and allow them to enter Paradise immediately, provided they were males.)
14) Allah revealed that subatomic B mesons show a matter-anti-matter disparity, and that's why there is so little anti-matter in the universe.
15) Allah revealed that highly energized quarks spin in the opposite direction from the neutrons and protons they inhabit.
16) Allah revealed that a bit of iron added to a refrigerant made of gadolinium, germanium,and silicon dramatically boosts the efficiency of magnetic refrigerators.
17) Allah revealed that calling a timeout before an attempted field-goal kick near the end of a football game is an effective defensive strategy.
Well, now! Don't all these Revelations just TYPIFY the kind of knowledge dropped out of the sky by Allah into Islamic universities and laboratories via the Koran? Don't you just wish like crazy that they had been revealed to Western scientists instead?
No wonder the Muslims win all the Nobel Prizes! Westerners are so burdened down with reason!
Damn, damn, damn! It just isn't FAIR! I'm going to go somewhere and have a temper-tantrum! Maybe I'll even eat worms (oops!) er, strap some explosives to my chest and go blow up a glorious Muslim university or lab or scientist somewhere!
Golly, I sure do wish Western science could reveal all that neat stuff to us the way Allah revealed it to Muhammad, The Perfect Man!
Good grief, folks, the Muslims have been right all this time after all! THE KORAN IS THE SOURCE OF ALL KNOWLEDGE WORTH KNOWING! And since the Koran is eternal, that encompasses all knowledge!
How do I know this, you ask? Well, embedded within the Holy Scripture of Islam, the Koran, is an encryption of all this revealed knowledge that we never even suspected existed! I know about it because earlier this year, I cracked the code! I've been working like a dog (oops!) er, monkey (oops!) er, ape (oops!) er, pig (oops!)--oh well, I've been working REAL HARD on breaking the code!
I've only scratched the surface, of course, but I am now about to share with you just a few examples of this amazing Islamic knowledge! I just know that it's going to make our mean, nasty, reason-using Westerners jealous! I know it will make your reason-infested Western minds very uncomfortable, but I have worked SO hard on breaking the encryption that I feel I MUST let you in on all the Glorious Knowledge of Allah as revealed to the Perfect Man!
Here we go:
1) Allah revealed measurements of the supermassive black hole lying at our galaxy's center.
2) Allah revealed that the sugar "trehalose" stops Huntington's disease.
3) Allah revealed that cord blood harvested at birth boosts survival when injected into people with Hurler's syndrome, and in leukemia patients who don't have matching bone marrow donors.
4) Allah revealed that destroying healthy skin cells spurs the immune system to kill neighboring melanoma cells.
5) Allah revealed that nicotine halts the progression of severe sepsis, and that this is a way to help treat this lethal blood infection.
6) Allah revealed that longer telomeres on the tips of chromosomes mean longer life.
7) Allah revealed that miniature computers can be made of DNA, and that they are so small that trillions of them can fit into a drop of water. They can detect specific cancer genes and release a drug to block the genes' actions.
8) Allah revealed a solar cell that utilizes photosynthetic-protein complexes converts sunlight into electricity. (This encryption was particularly difficult to break; Allah made it difficult because it could conceivably bring substantial harm to the Fidels by allowing the Infidels to do an end-run around the Muslim-controlled oil fields.)
9) Allah revealed that by using a printing technique that emulates the way spiders spin silk, complex polymer microstructures with features small enough to be part of photonic crystals or scaffolds can be used for tissue engineering.
10) Allah revealed that paddle-shaped rotors made from individual molecules mounted on a gold surface in an electric field can form the basis of sensors or laser-protection coatings on soldiers' goggles (this one was also difficult, for fear that it would be used against the Fidels).
11) Allah revealed that there is a whole host of materials that use solar energy to split water and make clean-burning hydrogen fuel (this one was also difficult, for the reasons mentioned in 8) above).
12) Allah revealed that a cylinder made of densely packed carbon nanotubes functions as a filtering membrane that can be used to process crude oil and decontaminate drinking water (inasmuch as this was one of the techniques intended for use by the Fidels to harm the Infidels, this revelation was one of the most difficult of all to bring to light).
13) Allah revealed a means by which a tsunami's interaction with winds can explain certain observations associated with the big waves, and can thus enable them to be spotted long before they hit shore. (Allah made a provision that this means of detecting tsunamis should remain secret until the entire planet was converted to Islam; as a reward for the Fidels who would die due to tsunamis, he would make martyrs of them, and allow them to enter Paradise immediately, provided they were males.)
14) Allah revealed that subatomic B mesons show a matter-anti-matter disparity, and that's why there is so little anti-matter in the universe.
15) Allah revealed that highly energized quarks spin in the opposite direction from the neutrons and protons they inhabit.
16) Allah revealed that a bit of iron added to a refrigerant made of gadolinium, germanium,and silicon dramatically boosts the efficiency of magnetic refrigerators.
17) Allah revealed that calling a timeout before an attempted field-goal kick near the end of a football game is an effective defensive strategy.
Well, now! Don't all these Revelations just TYPIFY the kind of knowledge dropped out of the sky by Allah into Islamic universities and laboratories via the Koran? Don't you just wish like crazy that they had been revealed to Western scientists instead?
No wonder the Muslims win all the Nobel Prizes! Westerners are so burdened down with reason!
Damn, damn, damn! It just isn't FAIR! I'm going to go somewhere and have a temper-tantrum! Maybe I'll even eat worms (oops!) er, strap some explosives to my chest and go blow up a glorious Muslim university or lab or scientist somewhere!
Golly, I sure do wish Western science could reveal all that neat stuff to us the way Allah revealed it to Muhammad, The Perfect Man!
posted by Cubed © @ 12/28/2004 02:34:00 PM
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