Sharia in America -- A Satire

Sharia in America

By Ayesha Ahmed

Omar M. Ahmad founder of CAIR said:"Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant" he said. "The Koran, the Muslim book of scripture, should be the highest authority in America , and Islam the only accepted religion on Earth," he said.

…Consider the following advantages:

- America can go to jihad against non Muslim countries. It will bring immense wealth in booty and millions of captured women. Canada and Mexico can be easy targets and are conveniently located for easy assault and hauling of booty.

-Since slavery will be allowed government can open slave markets to sell it's 20% share of the captured women.

-Captured women/slave-girls can provide affordable domestic help for house wives and clean enjoyable sex for their husbands.

-Enslaved men can be used as farm labor and factory workers at a much lower cost than unionized labor.

-Unemployed men from the prohibited non Islamic businesses like TV, Photography, computers, mortgage companies, music industry etc can be hired as religious police for the Ministry of Prevention of Vice and Promotion of Virtues . They can be used to beat up women violating burqa laws, arrest men with undersize beards and whip the non religious types found loitering at prayer times.

-Since men will be allowed four wives and unlimited number of slave girls, population boom will result in making the fastest growing religion grow even faster.

-All non muslims will live under dhimmi rules and pay heavy Jizya. Budget deficits will be a thing of the past.

Stoning of adulterers, whipping of alcohol drinkers, cutting of hands and feet of thieves and beheadings of apostates can be carried out after Juma prayers on Fridays in the local stadium. Gate charge for this gory and exciting weekly spectacle can generate a lot of revenue.

-Unemployed male gynecologists can be hired to carry out circumcisions of new male converts.

-Female circumcision can be made mandatory to promote piety and holiness and discourage lewdness among women.

-Marriage age for girls can be lowered to 6 years. That will reduce the burden of support of large poorer families and also promote a sunna, the tradition set by the holy prophet (peace be up on him).

-Whole Ramadan will be declared as public holidays so that every one can pray and recite the Quran.. Why work in the only month in which all ibadah and Quran recitals are worth 70 times the normal sawab (reward)?.

-Shia Muslims on temporary out of town business assignments will be able to do a temporary marriage (Muta) and enjoy home comfort outside of home.

-Since menstruation is a disease according to Quran all menstruating women will be given time off to rest in bed during their periods.

-All toilet seats in the public rest rooms will be reoriented so that one does not defecate facing Mecca .

-All public toilets will have buckets of stones instead of toilet tissues for claiming after defecation as a movement to implement sunna in the country.

-Separate bins along roadside will be placed to drop bones and dried animal feces for jins to snack on.

Zakat, charitable giving is a religious obligation. All will be taxed, but non-Muslims will be taxed more.

Medical costs will plummet, but the salaries of imams will go up as they will replace doctors at clinics:

-Spiraling medical costs can be brought down by the following two prong approaches:

-Imams can be placed in the clinics to recite Quranic ayas (verses) and blow on the patients and pray for them. Their fee will be a fraction of what doctor's charge.

- All pharmacies will be required to dispense black cumin, honey, Indian incense and camel urine as cure for all diseases as recommended by the holy prophet (pbuh). The cost will be a fraction of today's medicines.

Prison costs will also come down due to the following:

-All men serving time for the crime of rape will be freed if four male witnesses had not testified in the trial. Even if four male witnesses had testified, the criminal will be freed under insanity provision , since only mentally insane will rape in front of four witnesses.

-All men serving sentences for beating wives will be freed as under new American sharia law wife beating will be allowed.

-All thieves will be freed after cutting their hands and feet.

-All pedophiles will be freed as sex with children will not be against law any more.

-All slayers of unbelievers will be freed if they converted to Islam.

And we’ll all live happily ever after under Islam.