"History is philosophy teaching by example." (Lord Bolingbroke)

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Sunday, November 06, 2005

MEMO: From "Sunny Sue" to Republican Representatives and Senators

Recently, we received this advice from a reader from the Deep South.

MEMO to Republicans in the Congress and for that matter, in the Executive Branch:

Watching you Republicans stutter, stammer, flail, and flatulate-in-fear and uncertainty before Democrat brats really says that y'all need some good coaching. Of course, what I want to tell you can apply only to those Republicans with endoskeletons. Jellyfish Republicans can bail out right here.

Democrats in the House and particularly in the Senate act like badly spoiled and rotten children who have gone far too long without a strop applied to their buttocks--often--or a nice, green willow branch, if you like. Kids like this are overdue for disciplining, and the more you Republicans let them get away with this stuff, the worse they get. If you want 'em to act better, then you had better demand it--and back up your demands. In football--the real kind, not that sissy European kind--you take the offense to them, and you never let up until they get it that you mean business now and forever. That means, you set your bite, and you never ease off.

I've got some advice for you Republicans. You should study Southeast Conference (NCAA) football, and act accordingly. For those of you not blessed with knowing about SEC football, you need to know that football is a more than a religion with
those folks. It is a way of life, as my daughter always tells me. In the rest of the country, it is just a game.

So, here's the take-home strategy you need to stop being scaredy-cat compromisers against Democrats. That's a nice way of saying, stop being losers.

Do these:

1. Intend to win. That means, the next contest, then the division, the conference, the SEC championship, and the national championship. And that means this year, next year, the year after, and all the years that you can name. Winning is a habit. Get into that habit. Demand to win and accept nothing less than winning every time, all the time.

2. Keep your game plan to yourself. Don't brag. Don't talk "off the record." Never tip your hand. The best example I have ever heard came from Steve Spurrier about his last Florida-Georgia game at the UF. On the pregame call in show, a caller asked him what his game plan was going to be. Coach Spurrier said: "We're gonna get on the bus. Then we're gonna get off the bus and play the game. After the game, we're gonna get back on the bus and come home." Beautiful.

3. Do not let your opponents define you. They will talk smack and "leak" all sorts of stuff, some of which might even be true. You get there first. Leak and talk smack all the time. Make your opponents have to spend all their time defending themselves.

4. Enjoying your opponents' losing--every time. Their whole reason for them even existing is to give you an opportunity to kick the holy hell out of them. Never "let" them get any score of any kind at any time, if you can stop them. Never "let" them win a contest, ever. Make them win, if they can. If they win, make them beat you, and make that win cost them dearly and hurt badly.

5. Play the whole game--all four quarters. It "ain't over" until the clock reads 60:00 minutes of play, and you have at least one more point than they do. Take that attitude into overtime, if you can't avoid going into overtime. Winning is everything; losing is nothing. So win, whenever, and wherever.

6. Run up the score as much as you can, and enjoy the hell out of doing it. Even if you can win with 14 to 0, then humiliate them by getting 82 to 0. Kill their spirit and will to win. Make them quake at the very thought of facing you again.

7. Beat them to a pulp, when you play them--from the first play to the last. Never let up. Get your heels on their throats and grind. Hurt them in every way you can get away with. Remember that whatever you do physically is not nearly as important as what you do to them mentally, for now and all the next times you meet them.

8. Goad them into rage or fear. Remember: on the field, facing them, there really are no microphones. Oh, sure, if some player is "miked up," well, be careful around him. Around your opponents, get under their skin and into their minds. Make them lose control and defeat themselves. Give them hell all the time, without letup.

9. Gush with "Southern" congratulations over what a fine opponent they are after you kick the crap out them. Lay it on thick. That way they cannot forget that they are losers, and you made them losers. There is no such thing as a "win:win" situation, except for sissies.

10. Keep your opponents off guard at all times, using surprise, innovation, stealth, propaganda, and ceaseless intimidation. Get very creative and enjoy their aggravation.

11. Be very aggressive at all times. Never let up, ever. Be aggressive and do so severely. Be aggressive severely at all times. Never be nice, not even once. Nice is for losers. Make them be nice to you.

12. Be consistent in attitude toward your opponents and your dedication to winning. Compromising is big among losers but not winners. Remember that your opponents are not dumb, and they can figure out the same principles outlined in this memo. You have to grind them down by being better than them consistently and never giving them a break.

Oh, yes, this isn't all, and that has to be said for the "yes--but" crowd who always look for nickle and dime exceptions because they have trouble seeing the forest for the trees. There's more, indeed, but this is enough--for right now.

It really isn't hard, Republicans, not if you really want to be winners. You will need to bench some and red-shirt others who are party jellyfish. Don't hestitate. Recall that old saying which says that he who hesitates is lost. Drop "lost" and "loser" from your thinking about yourselves. Take the ball from the Democrats by great defense, including many interceptions and takeovers. Make them go three and out every time. Wear out their defenses, and dispirit their offenses. Kill them, so to speak with hot special teams and great offense. Make that end zone belong to you, every time.


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