Rectitude and Fortitude

From the Universal Press, 17 January 2005--

Over the weekend, special emissaries from the government of the United States of America met with highest level officials of Iran, Syria, and Saudi Arabia. Each delivered a message from the President and both houses of the Congress of the United States.

In summary, each emissary told the leaders of these three states to prevent any untoward events for the American presidential inauguration and for the Iraqi election at the end of this month.

Each nation was told that EACH untoward event at America's inauguration or at the Iraqi election would result in the total annihiliation of something vitally important to each of the three countries, at the same time. I.e., all three would experience consequences for each event.

Great protests arose from the governing hierarchies of each country, but each American emissary sat in stony silence waiting for his opportunity to speak again. When able to speak, each emissary told the ranking members of each Islamic government that they would be privvy to a downpayment, a demonstration of good faith, as it were.

When directed at a precise time to look at an easily visible area outside the windows of each governmental center, Syrian, Iranian, and Saudi Arabian officials watched what can only be described as total disintegration of three secret governmental facilities of extreme importance to each regime. Universal Press takes pride in maintaining the secrecy of the targets at the request of the government of the United States.

Anticipating ensuing rage, each American emissary told the animated Islamists present that any detention, arrest, or detainment of any emissary for any reason would be considered a declaration of war on all three countries, and that American submarines could place missles into the hip pockets of the ministers at any time of their choosing.

All three emissaries returned to Washington without incident.

If only...